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Lesbian Bed Death Part 2
In the first part of this article, which ran two weeks ago, we looked at 'Lesbian
Bed Death'. What it is, what can cause it, and that it isnt just an issue
affecting the Lesbian community. In Part II, we will look at what you can do if
this LBD affects you and your partner.
Remember, if you are experiencing
LBD and dont have a problem with not having sex, this is not an issue you
need to worry about. This article is for women in relationships where one partner
may not want to have sex and the other does, or both partners want to bring sexual
intimacy back into their lives, but are not sure how to bring back the magic.
As we wrote in our article: "The
Amazing Shrinking Sex Drive," it is important to check
with a medical doctor if your sex drive just mysteriously disappears.
If your issues
with decreased libido stem from deeply held religious beliefs that resurface after
limerence fades, the solution may be to seek out a church that is more affirming
of who you are and learn to redefine your views of your sexual orientation in
a church that embraces you. This can also help you come to terms with the disparity
of what you may have learned growing up and what the doctrine is of churches that
embrace the LGBT community. Metropolitan Community Church, First Unitarian Universalist,
or Unity Church are just a few of the churches out there. Use your computer and
Google for these, or other churches affirming to who you are.
and central solution for this problem is communication. Throw the term 'Lesbian
Bed Death' away. This issue is a part of life, and as we said before, it can happen
to a couple of any sexual orientation as they move into a long-term, live together,
monogamous relationship. In order to solve this issue, it will take you and your
partner talking openly and honestly about what is bothering you, what you want,
like or don't like and what youre willing to try or not try.
may be that you need to throw out the ideas many of us have about sex. "Sex
must be spontaneous," "I shouldnt have to masturbate in a relationship,"
or "We both need to be in the mood at the same time," are some of the
misperceptions we may have that keep our sex lives from being what we want.
It may not be romantic, but try scheduling a sex date and if you want go
out on a romantic date first. It can take the pressure off knowing what the end
result will be. It can also be a turn off to schedule sex; just don't totally
dismiss it as an option. One way to look at it is, when you first got together
you knew you were going to have sex when you got home and that was exciting. Give
it a try and if it feels artificial, just keep on and see if something develops.
Masturbation can help increase your sex drive. Do it together, play with
toys and experiment. While one partner masturbates, the other can be kissing and
caressing her to add to the experience. The partner who doesn't feel in the mood
can be the caresser. An inspiration to reach down and take over for the partner
who is masturbating may turn into an extended love-in. Feeling how wet her girlfriend
is may be the turn on that's needed.
You don't have to be in the mood
at the same time. Let the one who is in the mood be the one who is the focus of
the love making, which may get the one whos not quite feeling it fired up
and ready to go.
Explore each other's fantasies. Only do the fantasies
you both agree to use. If one of you is uncomfortable with a fantasy, or with
a new form of sex play, ensure that you let your partner know in a gentle and
loving way that the fantasy or activity she wants to try is not for you, won't
turn you on, etc. Don't pressure each other into something one of you is not comfortable
with. This can cause resentment and create trust issues. These issues will in
turn be tied to issues about sex.
A few other methods of spicing things
up can be to read or watch porn together; write something nice and descriptive
to your partner that you would love to do to her and hide it where she'll find
it; make up a story about a wild sexual encounter between the two of you that
never happened and tell it to her; have sex in different locations; act like you
are having a torrid affair by sneaking off to a motel room; film yourself having
sex together and watch it later; film yourself masturbating for your girlfriend
and show it to her; dress up for each other; wear something sexy to bed for each
other; write romantic love notes and hide them in places where she is sure to
find them; send flowers to work with secret messages only the two of you can interpret.
Basically, start courting each other again.
If you do masturbate regularly,
stop for a while and see if you become more willing to let your partner do it
for you. Give your partner a backrub or a foot massage but don't always expect
a sexual pay off for these activities, just do it to do it. Any touching or massage
will increase your intimacy and it may also turn on your partner.
are making love together, don't put pressure on yourselves to orgasm at the same
time, if that is your goal or belief. Just enjoy the sensations; orgasms don't
have to be the end result of any sexual activity. Draw foreplay out, over days
if necessary. Take turns making one or the other of you the focus of your time
Some find polyamory, threesomes, or an open relationship, a
solution for their waning love life. Make sure you are using safer sex practices
and have set rules and boundaries you both agree to if you go this route, including
canceling the experiment at any time up to or during the act itself. Issues of
jealousy and fear can raise their ugly heads, so don't agree to opening your relationship
up to others unless you feel that you are capable of handling all the emotions
that go along with this.
The types of solutions depend on the women involved.
I've known some who could handle it and some who thought they could but became
jealous. And I've known some whose relationships were torn apart by this kind
of experimentation. Always leave it an option to revisit the agreement about this
type of solution if either of you starts to have second thoughts. If one of you
isn't comfortable, you can go back to a monogamous relationship but it may be
hard to do after experiencing the thrill of other sex partners. If you feel you
want to explore this option with a therapist first, look for one who is open to
counseling alternative lifestyles.
Always remember that what may work
for one partner may not work for the other. What may work one time may not another.
Be patient with each other and give yourselves time to work sex into your life.
If one thing doesn't work, try something else. If that doesn't work go to the
next thing on the list.
NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care