Coming Out in School as lesbian, bisexual or questioning

Coming Out in School

Question: Something kind of happened with my best friend, but I’ve never been with anyone. How do I know what I am?

Only you can know how you are feeling inside as far as your own sexual orientation. You may be lesbian, you may be bisexual, you may be straight, or you could be asexual.

Since you’ve never been in a relationship with either females or males, it may be hard for you to know what your true orientation is, especially since you were brought up around people who are homophobic.

One thing to keep in mind, most people who are really homophobic may be gay themselves, and are hiding it by pointing one finger at everyone else, while three of their own fingers are pointing right back at themselves.

I’ve seen this over and over again, and the sad part is that these folks are usually attracted to someone else who is in the closet, and then they have kids who are usually gay–not an emotionally healthy environment to raise gay kids, and many of those kids have internalized homophobia against themselves.

One thing I would ask: when you wrote that you had been hanging out with a woman and things moved further than expected, how did you feel when things moved past the “Friends” stage?
Were you happy? Were you thrilled? Were you excited? Were you scared? Were you sickened? Essentially: did whatever happened turn you on, or did it completely turn you off?
Another question is: how did your body react? Did you become aroused: chills, excited, sexual arousal, rapid heart-rate, accelerated breathing? Or did you totally shut down, or feel sickened or repulsed by what happened?

I’m asking you this because my body totally told me that I am lesbian when I was 15. I always loved women, since I was a little baby, but I never put a label on it until then. I got so aroused by just rubbing my female friend’s back, that I was astonished! I knew then, without a doubt, that I was a lesbian. I can remember being in the bathroom, and saying to myself, with a pure sense of wonder, “Damn! I am a big OL’ LEZ!” I knew because my body told me, and there was no doubt for me after that.

It just all made sense--the lack of emotional feelings I had for my boyfriend of two years; the lack of response to him when he kissed me or tried to arouse me--I just totally thought I was so damaged by child abuse that I would never have any feelings for anyone, but that night with my soon to be first GF, my body spoke to me loud and clear.

So I guess I would ask you to really take a look at how you felt with your friend. Really dig deep on how whatever happened really affected you. If you can’t do this alone, you may need help from a trusted friend or a therapist—someone who is not going to judge you for whoever you may really be.

It’s all up to you. You are the only one who can make yourself happy, and if you need to be with men to do that, then be with men. If you need to be with women, then be with women; if you need to be with both, or neither; then do what you need to do to be happy. What everyone else thinks and says is only relevant if you let it be relevant. Life is really too short to not have what YOU want, whatever that may be...