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Internetting A Lesbian Partner with Online Dating
and I run a support group for lesbian and bisexual women who are coming out, and
the subject of online dating came up recently. Some of our members have found
the love of their lives through online dating, and some have experienced situations
that would make great plots for a stalker movie. Since Spring is in the air, and
many women are ready to start looking for love, we thought we'd put together some
advice we've learned about online dating.
First and foremost, please
use caution.The Internet can be a wonderful place to meet great women, but there
are also a lot of people out there who are single for a reason. The reason could
be drugs, alcohol, or any other form of addiction, like addiction to chaos or
There are also a lot of sexual predators in the world. These
people are excellent liars, and can suck in even the most savvy and intelligent
women. Sexual predators can be either female or male, but many are men who join
online dating service as females. Some are looking for bisexual women for themselves
or for a threesome with their female partners, and some think that they can magically
change a lesbian's sexual orientation. This is why it is really important to talk
on the phone to someone you are interested in as soon as possible, and ALWAYS,
ALWAYS, ALWAYS listen to your intuition.
That said, we thought we would
list a few things to help you if you are considering meeting women through an
online dating service. This advice is from our own experiences online, and actual
posts from women in our Support For Lesbians Coming Out group who have been in
online dating situations:
1. JUST COMING OUT AND ONLINE DATING
When a person is just coming out, she can be vulnerable. There's nothing more
exciting than your first contact with women who are like you, but please remember
that online dating needs to be approached with caution for both your physical
and mental health. If you are feeling fragile, online dating may not be the place
to start. A lot of seasoned lesbians do not want to risk getting involved in coming
out issues and the potential pain involved. On the flip-side, the benefits of
online dating are meeting other women in your area who are lesbian, and getting
to know your local LGBT community.
2. LESBIAN LONG DISTANCE DATING
Unless you are rich and can travel to foreign lands, it's best to date women in
your country, and better yet, in your local area. If you never actually meet the
person you are having a long distance relationship with, you are pretty much living
in a fantasy. To really get to know someone, you need to spend a lot of time with
them personally, and we don't mean moving in the first day you meet. We mean spending
quality time together doing things that both of you enjoy, which is also known
Kathy and I knew one lesbian couple who met in a chat room.
They "dated" online and on the phone for over a year, but never met.
They fell hard for each other, and finally decided that they should live together.
The drawback to this was that one lived in Australia, and one lived in the United
States. The one in the United States opted to leave her job, sell her home, and
move to Australia to be with the love of her life. The relationship lasted less
than 3 months, and the woman from the United States had given up everything for
We've heard of at least 50 stories like this, and what we've
learned is that you have to be mighty careful with online love affairs. If at
all possible, you should meet the person and date her personally as soon as possible.
Dating local means you may not have huge phone and travel bills, and it saves
on expense when you do finally meet face-to-face.
3. ASK MANY QUESTIONS,
AND THEN ASK SOME MORE
If you start emailing back and forth with someone
who seems compatible, keep asking questions. For any relationship to work, there
are many things that two people must be on the same page with. For example: if
you are an animal lover who could never give up your furry babies, it would be
horrible to find out that the person you are wanting to get serious with has horrible
allergies and she hates cats and dogs. It's better to find out sooner than later,
and it's very important not to give up who you are for a relationship.
4. MEET IN PERSON AS SOON AS YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE
If you find someone
online that you love to email with, we suggest also speaking on the phone, and
then eventually meeting this person in a public place, like a restaurant or a
coffee shop. The only successful, long-term relationship stories we've heard from
women who have met online are when they can actually date each other, in person,
for an extended period of time. It's easy to "fall in love" with the
fantasy of someone online, only to later meet and find out that this person is
not who she, or in some cases HE, said she was.
5. TELL A FRIEND
When meeting someone for the first time, always tell a trusted friend where you
will be, and what times you expect to be there and then home. Always call your
friend if there is a change in plans so that she will not be worried.
6. MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE
When meeting someone for the first time, always
meet in a public place--not a motel or a person's private home. Have your own
transportation that you can leave in if things get weird, and make sure that the
person does not follow you home.
7. FIRST MEETING AND THE BEDROOM
When looking for a serious long-term relationship, a good thing to do is to date
and get to know the person before you go to bed with her. Sex only screws up the
perception of what is real and what is not. If you get to know someone, you can
then fall in love with her, not with sex. Don't become the Lesbian U-Haul joke
of your community.
8. SAFER SEX
If you do end up in bed, always
practice Safer Sex until both partners are sure that they are not testing positive
for any Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Safer Sex is not a guarantee that you will
still not catch an STD, but it's better than unprotected sex.
WITH YOUR HEAD, NOT YOUR SOUTHERN REGIONS
The best advice we can give
is to always use common sense and your "Woman's Intuition." If someone
seems "Too good to be true" she probably is. Remember to think with
your head, not your regions down South. There are a lot of people who use online
dating just for sex, so be careful and always listen to those warning signs. If
you are interested in just sex, then find websites that are designed for that.
10. IF YOU ARE PATIENT AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF, GREAT THINGS CAN HAPPEN
We don't want to scare you with bad online dating stories, because we believe
that online dating can be a great way to meet new people. Sure, there are crazies
everywhere you go, but there are also good, honest women out there, just like
you, who are looking for love. Be safe, have fun, and date until you find your
NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care